Kankuro's Week
by echosdusk
Summary: After an incident with a Waffle Iron, Kankuro is forced to live with his brother, the Kazekage, and he learns how scarey grilled cheese, fangirls, random Ninjas, and Baki can actually be. A Kankuro & Gaara Comedy!


Kankuro's Week - Part One: Day one "The Nightmares" 

There are few ninjas among the sand village quite like Kankuro, in fact there were none with his sense of humour and yet also his amazing lack of subtlety. The only being in creation that probably came close to this was Jiraiya, and that was only if he had been surgically mutated with a hyena. But his life amongst the sand village had been quite content after his little brother's sudden appointment as Kazekage, though he had been somewhat jealous of it at first, being the eldest and all. But Kankuro had a nice little place to live where he could work quite happily on his puppets and cookie making abilities, much to Gaara's delight, and he did not have the hassle of the fan-girls, as most people seemed to just laugh at his jokes and then back away slowly. Then one morning Kankuro made a terrible mistake when he was teaching one of his many puppets how to make a Waffle. By some strange, possibly amusing, and yet terrifying circumstance, the waffle iron exploded and Kankuro's home set fire. This had left Kankuro begging to his siblings for help!

Gaara had not been amused by his elder brother's stupidity, but he had not refused to keep him at his house, as Temarri was far too busy with relationship matters. Plus, Kankuro was always somewhat nervous of some of the Ninja fellows his sister tended to take back to her place, if only because they were generally incredibly good looking and yet at the same time, more then willingly to kick the living poop out of freaky jokers like Kankuro. But on his arrival with a few random possessions and Crow on his back, Kankuro was swiftly allowed in and made to stand away from all windows so no one saw him. Then Gaara decided to lay down the rules of the house.

"The rules are simple: do nothing unless I say otherwise!" He murmured sullenly, un-amused by the fact that Kankuro was grinning in his cat-like suit and peering around for something to do. Gaara waved his had around in front of his brother's face until he gained the wandering eyes' intention. "This includes touching buttons, levers, entering rooms, joining me in my office, and speaking to anyone that steps into this household. You're only being allowed in because you're both my brother, and also because you are a major health and safety risk to anyone that might come to our village…" But Gaara was broken off by the sounds of mewing from a cat, his head turned toward the room where he kept one of his many sand gourds, and he turned his eyes alone to glare at his brother. Kankuro went pale, he'd always been afraid of the black ringed eyes!

"Ummm, did I forget to tell you about my cat?" He muttered and scratched the back of his head, placing his hand through the side of the hood and knocking the burnt cinders of waffles that still remained on it. Kankuro had been very fast to grab his most beloved items from the burning house, and the cat, suit, Crow, and his travel bags had been all he's managed to catch before the house had literally collapsed. But Gaara was annoyed, he turned his eyes back toward the sound and then they turned incredibly quickly with a powerful sneer to Kankuro when there was a farting sound and a heavy stink of faeces.

The smell was foul but Gaara dragged Kankuro along with a spiral of sound to see what might be causing it. So they padded toward the room slowly, and Gaara froze in horror at the sight that met him within the room. For one of his sand gourds had been knocked over, the plug at the top somehow removed, and the sand spilt all over the floor. But just stepping out of the inner gourd, which smelt heavily of the worst possible thing, was a grey cat with a smirk on his white muzzle. He paced out of the sand that was spilled everywhere, shook one of his legs gently to remove any excess sand or dirt that could be there, and then he sat down patiently, and began to lick himself. Gaara looked at the cat with fury burning within his pallid eyes, but it seemed his brother understood the risk there was to the cat, and quickly scooped him up, though the cat let out an annoyed yelping sound!

"Mr Frisky!" Kankuro squealed and as he lifted the animal up and squeezed him tightly, the cat, which was really a female, gave a high-pitched mewing of annoyance. This made Gaara even more annoyed as his brother began to smooch the top of the animal's head and rub his cheeks against it. But then Kankuro squeezed her a little too hard, and Frisky let out a very ripe little toot. Kankuro's nose caught the scent, and he froze, dropping the cat gently on the floor, and then turning toward his brother.

Gaara's face was one that could not really be described except maybe as unhappy.

After cleaning up his face from many scratches, and giving Mr Frisky a well-earned glass of milk, Kankuro settled down to making cookies and a glass of milk. He was happily pouring a glass and singing to himself about cats as the warm scent of cookies wafted around the house. Gaara caught the scent as he watched the local news-report in his big soft chair. Where his face had been sullen and bored, he sniffed a spiral of cookie smell and let a grin form on his face. Then he stood up obediently and stepped toward the kitchen, just as Kankuro removed the tray from the oven, humming to himself.

"Is this a way of making up for what your cat did?" The grim spectre of death whispered behind his brother. For a brief moment, as he held the burning tray in his paw-shaped oven mitts, Kankuro paused in fear. But Gaara was soon by his shoulders, staring at the wonderfully prepared chocolate-chip cookies. A slight twitch was on the Kazekage's face, something quite worrying to Kankuro. But before the puppet-master could say anything against his brother, the sand appeared and hooked up the tray. "They'll do nicely!" Gaara half salivated eagerly.

After snatching the tray with his sand and making Kankuro cringe, Gaara wandered off into his room to watch some late-night TV. Kankuro watched him a moment, and then sighed, he turned to his cool glass of milk and let out a gentle shriek of annoyance. The sand had coiled around the glass, and was letting it hover off behind Gaara. With a sigh of sadness that his brother had stolen his precious sweets, Kankuro turned around and padded toward his room for bed.

In his many twists and turns of sleep, Kankuro began to dream, but they were not pleasant dreams. His last dream, which occurred after a brief trip to the toilet, ended with him waking up with a black cattail flicking his face. Gently, Kankuro stood up on wobbly legs, guessing he was wearing his usual cat-like suit again with a painted face, and he yawned softly as he stood up on a road in gingerbread. At the sight of this, Kankuro hopped about like a young child squealing happily because he was in "candy-land", but then he noticed something. On turning around, a set of fierce eyes caught him, and Kankuro froze in horror to see a very cartoon-like Elf in front of him. It was wearing an old pointed hat that coiled, long red shoes that twisted at the tip of the two, a pair of tan slacks that were held by a black buckle-belt, and a bright green shirt. Its arms were folded, its hair was a spiky blood-red colour, and it looked dangerously cute!

"What are you doing here Gaara?" Kankuro questioned when he turned to look more carefully at the elf. He noticed the same black rings around the eyes, though the slightly more "chibified" version of his little brother, and he gave a loud "hmm" in deep thought. He looked at the gourd on Gaara's back, but then noticed something brightly coloured sticking out of Gaara's mouth, and being chewed gently. "What's that?"

"Pixie-stick." Gaara grinned, removing the sherbet filled straw from his mouth before snorting gently. "I'm supposed to be your guide or something." It was then that Kankuro noticed the truly disturbing thing about himself; he was no longer a human ninja in a cat suit, but rather a big black cat with white paws and purple stripes. But then he looked back to Elf Gaara, who suddenly called out for a sand coffin to get rid of Kankuro. But Kankuro was quite surprised that instead of sand, only candyfloss flew out of the gourd that was shaped like a jelly-baby on his back. It simply made a mess about the place, and Gaara gave a few groans of discontent.

"YAY! I'm a cat! So what's my quest then? I suppose I must have some kind of quest, considering there's the background music to Legend of Zelda going on in my head." Kankuro mewed gently, and he looked at his brother, who was removing the candyfloss from his green jacket. Gaara looked toward the cat and rolled his eyes, then he chewed the pixie-stick like a grass stalk for a few moments before snorting, removing it from his mouth and pointing toward a muffin-shaped castle on the horizon.

"Well, this is a land ruled by an evil creepy 'Emo' freak! He's called the Muffin-Uchiha-Man! He's made everyone feel depressive, except me because I'm too cool to follow the crowd. Either way, you've got to go and kick him in the ass, quite literally, he's got this whiny annoying donkey from Cookie-Konoha that follows him around." Gaara snorted in annoyance, but just then Gaara felt the presence of something "nice" approaching and he bolted for it. Kankuro watched him gallop down the gingerbread road, then he turned around and saw a terrible sight, a giant liquorice snake-dude that was remarkably similar to Orochimaru shuffling toward him!

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Shut the hell up! I need my meditation with toothpicks under my eyes!" Gaara growled savagely and he slammed the bedroom door open and headed toward the screaming brother. Kankuro was still sitting up in the bed, screaming with surprise at how freaked out and strange that dream had truly been. But then he noticed the yell and the approaching shade of doom, quickly; he turned his beside lamp on.

Kankuro looked toward his brother, who was standing aggressively in the doorway.

"Hey Gaara…" Kankuro grimaced as Gaara dared to check the sheets in case the worst had taken place. The Kazekage's face looked up and focused on his humorous brother. Kankuro was grinning with a finger pointing at a strange dark brown bar, extruding from the wardrobe arm.

"Which on…" Gaara had tried, but Kankuro had quickly just pressed the bar beside his wardrobe right down. There was a slight clonking sound and then they waited. Gaara had a feeling it was going to be nothing, but Kankuro had just gone against one of the rules of the house, and so Gaara was going to kill him for it. Kankuro rubbed his hands together patiently, expecting with a grin what kind of thing might happen.

For a few minutes Kankuro and Gaara stared at the lever in anticipation, unsure what was going to happen. But after standing patiently with tense ears, there was no movement or sign that anything had happened, and Gaara sighed. But Kankuro let out a low groan of annoyance; he had so hoped to find one of the many secrets to the strange levers in every room. It had been the same when he had been a kid and their dad had been in charge, of course Gaara had never had any of the same experience Kankuro had. In fact, Kankuro could remember one incident when he had pressed a button on the side of the Kazekage chair when his father had been sitting in it, and triggered a massage button, which had amused everyone except his father. He also remembered a time when he'd been inspecting this father's office, pressed one mysterious red button by the desk, hoping to be shot to the "Kazekage Cave", only to find that it made a very curious inflatable doll pop up from behind the desk. But as he wandered into the world of thought, Kankuro realised the eyes of the panda-like boss-dude glaring at him without amusement. With a slight grimace he explained himself.

"Well I had a bit of an odd dream, Bro. It involved both of us, and it was just really odd!" Kankuro began, but Gaara quickly rolled his eyes as Kankuro explained the fact that he had been a cat in a world of candy. He listened in however at the point about the elf-suit, and the pixie-stick. Gaara only liked Cookies, sherbet just got mixed up with his sand so he always tried his hardest to avoid it, and candyfloss was sticky. So with a glare, the sand started to collect around Gaara's feet, and there was a somewhat dark shadow around the lines of his face, something Kankuro only identified as being very bad!

There was a very long squealing sound as well as a sliding noise from high above them. The two brothers paused in preparing to fight so they could listen, that is, Gaara was preparing to kick the living monkey out of Kankuro, and Kankuro was attempting to escape. They cocked their heads to one side to listen carefully to the great sliding sound. The screaming squeal was amazingly familiar, but neither brother could place it properly. That was until a gap in the ceiling above opened out, and a clump of human landed on high heels in a sparkling red dress, staring at them nervously.

"Hello, Kazekage." Baki mumbled, crossing his legs, as he stood like a woman in a low skirt that had been caught off guard. To be fair though he actually resembled a woman, though he was a little more muscular. He was wearing the usual drag-act stuff, except he looked very good and neat in it, the thin black tights showing off his long legs better then his desert trousers. But it was then that Kankuro noticed something, the side of his face that was usually covered with the curtain, was actually uncovered to reveal an un-wrinkled side with mascara, delicate looking eyebrows, lipstick on a very pouted half of his lip, and a wig of deep auburn hair. Kankuro could not stop blinking at him in surprise, but Gaara was not bothered, and Baki revealed why. "I thought you remembered not to call on a Friday Night, especially when I have so much to do involving, well, personal matters!" Kankuro blinked and looked from side to side in fear before Baki and Gaara turned away form him.

"Ok, now I'm scarred for life." Kankuro groaned and watched as Gaara led Baki out of the room. He had no idea what was going to happen but he did not really want to know. Slowly, Kankuro checked himself over in the mirror again, just in case he had turned into a cat like in his dreams. But it was not so, and Kankuro shuffled back in his striped pyjamas back into the nice comfortable bed. After a few moments the cat padded in with some toilet paper hanging around his ankles, and it jumped upon his bed. Kankuro told Mr Frisky all about his dream before falling asleep, despite the low hissing caused by the farting cat.


End file.
